8 ways working on myself has made me a better parent

Working on yourself, makes you a better parent.

I do need to preface that the perfect parent doesn't exist. We are literally just children raising children really when you think about it. We do our best and hope that its enough. It's hard.

Being a parent is like everything in life - there are amazing moments and there are really tough moments too. Life is all about polarity, we are here as humans to experience it all - the highs and the lows and parenting is no different!

Here are 8 ways in which doing the inner work including trauma healing, inner child healing, womb healing and so many other modalities have helped me become a better parent to my son Jackson and my soon to be born daughter, Margot (can't wait to meet you my baby)

1. I am calmer, more grounded and can regulate my emotions

Working on myself has allowed me to slow down in life. I can stay grounded and regulate my emotions much more easily which means staying calm and taking your time to respond to their behaviour rather than shouting and being reactive. Obviously this still happens sometimes, which is normal, its just much less.

2. I am more present listening and playing

Being present and learning how to be present with people and my own kids has been so huge in developing deeper relationships with them. I try my best not to do anything else or be thinking of anything else whilst listening and playing with them. And I now apply this when I'm talking to people too, eye contact, I'm 100% there, nowhere else.

After doing the inner child work, I realised how important it is to be a child when playing with your own children. To allow yourself to be just as silly as they are, to play with their toys, have an imagination and have fun in the process!

3. I listen to their needs and validate feelings as much as I can

Understanding my own behaviour and allowing myself to have feelings, express them and for them to be felt and released means that I can give my own children the permission to do the same. Anger, upset, shouting when excited and any other emotions are completely accepted and allowed.

Naturally, I draw the line when I am hit in the face! Again not always easy to deal with at times especially when in public! As they get older, we plan to be honest with them when we aren't feeling our best, so we can start to normalise that sometimes we just don't feel our usual selves, and thats ok.

4. I don’t give labels

How many times have we believed what we were told about who we are? Maybe you were labelled as the naughty one, the good girl, the academic, the shy one, the black sheep? These labels are believed because they are repeated so often that you become the label and this follows you throughout adulthood, often leading to you becoming a chronic people pleaser, socially awkward, a workaholic and having toxic habits.

Being able to identify the labels I was given as a kid, either by family members, teachers or labels I subconsciously adopted, has allowed me to reconstruct a life without labels by focusing on my own individual qualities.

Being mindful and aware of what I say to my kids has made such a huge difference to my parenting. I am careful with the words I use and try to change my vocabulary up a little bit too, so they are hearing different things. I will also try to challenge the labels they will inevitably be given by people as they grow up and talk to them about how they can also navigate a world where we label and stereotype everything!

5. I am more consistent and have clear boundaries

Kids need boundaries. It's only recently, in the last few years where I have learnt to have my own boundaries with myself and other people. Let me tell you, that it would have been much harder to have boundaries with my kids now, if I hadn't learned how to set them for myself.

There is a whole art to it and its not easy at first, like everything else, it takes practice and to know that when you set a boundary for the first time, it can be scary and then it becomes normal.

Following through on what you say you will do is so important for kids, as it makes them feel safe and less confused. I'm not going to lie I struggle with this more than Julien does, he's definitely the stricter one, so I am still learning in this department! I have noticed though when I'm more consistent Jackson's behaviour improves.

6. I can adapt to the stage they are at because I reflect all the time

We constantly reflect and communicate about how we are with the kids all the time. If I don't agree with Julien, I say it and vice versa. We have discovered that most things kids go through are stages so sometimes you need to adjust what you are doing. This takes reflection and self awareness.

After doing the inner work I have become even more self aware about how we are raising our children and I love discussing strategies and ways of doing things with other people and take their feedback on board. Trying different things and know that every child is completely unique.

7. I take care of my own wellbeing so I can be the best possible version of myself for them

This has been a huge one for me because in the past I always put myself at the bottom of the list. I now know that if I don't care for myself, I can't be the best parent because I'm exhausted, depleted, on edge and this leads to having such a short fuse. Sometimes we can all overreact with our kids, it just happens much less.

Also when they see you taking care of yourself, you are showing them and educating them on how to take care of themselves too. I love teaching Jackson how to breathe when he's frustrated or how to take his anger out on a pillow, to smell the flowers as we go past some in the street and to look and listen to for the birds in the morning.

8. I model healthy behaviour so hopefully they will too

Kids are little copycats. Yes they are all unique AND they absolutely watch every single thing you do, including your reactions, how you are with their brother/sister, how you communicate, touch and kiss their Mummy/Daddy and they take these cues from you.

I am convinced that Jackson loves giving kisses because we love to kiss each other before each meal, when we wake up in the morning and before we go to bed. We say I love you often, so at the moment he says it too. We are modelling love and affection on a daily basis, so I hope that he grows up to give love and affection in the right ways with the people he loves. This is just one example of many of how we can model healthy behaviour - there a thousands more.

In summary, I know for an absolute fact that I would be a very different Mother without doing this work and I'm dedicated to finding the time to keep learning too as our kids grow, evolve and face challenges of their own.